I feel like this post is going to be all over the place, so bear with me.
MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE
Last Friday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and together we determined it was important that I take medical leave from work. 11 days into starting my new medication regimen, I had a massive panic/anxiety attack that lasted for an entire week and I couldn’t breathe properly and my heart rate was skyrocketing. I’m still not sure what triggered it, but I think part of it was just that everything I had bottled up over the last 7 months all came out at once. There were a lot of tears (I don’t let myself cry often, which is something I’m trying to change, because that release is important). I suddenly realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t wake up, sit at my computer and feel panicked and paralyzed all day. I couldn’t continue spiraling further into whatever it was that I was spiraling into. I needed a break, full stop.
I filed for FMLA that day and am taking a couple of weeks off to re-calibrate and adjust to my medications and their side effects. To be honest, I have not been functioning well for months and should have done all of this a lot sooner. But I was scared. I’ve been working at my job for nearly a decade and had never taken leave (other than FMLA when I had my babies) so I was worried about how it would be perceived. A lot of people are struggling right now and I thought to myself that maybe I wasn’t deserving of taking leave because others have even more challenges that I do. Rationally, I know that is just me giving myself a hard time over something I would never judge anyone else for.
I have a lot of peace about my decision. I do deserve this leave and my condition is valid. I am not capable of working right now and that is OK. It’s doesn’t make me a failure. I have a nearly decade-long track record of commitment to my work and a season like this doesn’t define me or my career.
In addition to taking leave, I saw my PCP for more bloodwork and took the GeneSight test to help my psychiatrist have a little more information about how my body might respond to various medications. I have an MTHFR mutation which can affect how I process and metabolize a lot of different medications and supplements, so this was a huge motivator in me deciding to take the test.
I booked an appointment to start virtual talk therapy, I walk everyday and I do Melissa Wood flows daily. I use the Calm app to practice breathing and meditations. I’m literally doing everything I possibly can to rest and heal during this time.
Some might wonder why it is that I can still write blog posts, take pictures and post on Instagram. I actually talked to my psychiatrist about this – he said it’s very common for people with ADHD to be able to hyper-focus on things they’re passionate about, find interesting or are fulfilled by. I think that’s why I’ve always been able to work on my blog while also working in a traditional 9-5 job. Because when I work on my blog, I don’t struggle to focus. I don’t take forever to finish something. The words fall onto the page like they’re writing themselves faster than I can think. The connection and community from my blog and Instagram has also gotten me through some tough times during this pandemic when I felt so disconnected from others.
I will continue to share mental health updates because I know they help so many people. I’ve gotten messages from many of you who are seeking help because I’ve shared my story. I’ve also learned that many, many women are taking medication to thrive. You’d be surprised at how many women who “look like they have it all together” are taking medication to be able to function at the level they are. When you correct a chemical imbalance in the brain, your brain starts to function as it should – and that is so, so critical. We shouldn’t feel shame over something we have no control over. Now into some lighter things…
WHAT I ORDERED THIS WEEK
- When I had my panic attack, I ordered this pulseoxometer to a) confirm to myself that even though it felt like I was suffocating, I did in fact have adequate oxygen levels and b) to monitor my heart rate.
- This adorable mint dress and this unicorn dress for Harper
- This vegan nail polish
- This blue longline padded sports bra
- This eyelash curler (affordable and similar to shu umera, my HG)
- These mint bedsheets for Harper
- Cloud pajamas for Lincoln
- London bus clothing set for Lincoln
- These super soft baby blue sheets for Lincoln
- This ruffle sleeve sweatshirt for Harper (my friend owns this shop!)
- These hydrating sheet masks
- My fave red nail polish
- Captain America PJs for Lincoln
- This ottoman for our game room
- Kids lilac tie dye t shirt
- Fall floral dress for H
- Kids mint t shirt
- This S&L chair dupe
- Full length French mirror
- French mantle mirror
- Going to order this hydrating serum when I run out of the one I’m using now
- How amazing is this brass hardware?
- This spotted lamp is gorgeous
- A great anthropologie gleaming primrose mirror dupe
- This gorgeous hydrangea fabric
THOUGHTS ON VEGAMOR
I ordered the Vegamor hair growth serum and started using it recently and though I have no feedback on if it works (I believe you need to have three months of consistent use) what I can say is that it is very easy to apply and does NOT make hair feel greasy at all (which was a concern for me). I apply it to my roots, concentrating on areas where I have less hair overall, and rub it in with my fingers. I use it on damp hair after washing and every night on dry hair. I will keep y’all posted but so far I like it as a formula and hope it works!
WHAT I’M READING
- I just finished The Guest List. It’s a thriller and I liked it, but I will admit that I think it would have been better had I listened to it in longer stretches. I feel I listened to it so piecemeal, that the full effect sort of escaped me.
- I’m now listening to American Royals II: Majesty and getting it through it much more quickly via my daily walks. I loved the first book so much!
- I also read The Heir Affair and while it wasn’t as good as the original (The Royal We) I did enjoy it!
- Next on my list: Dare, Verity, Then She Was Gone
Check out my IG stories today to see a little grandmillennial spin on fall decor! All the blue, pink and gold makes me so happy!
Hope you have a great weekend!