I don’t even know how to start writing this post because my feelings are still so raw and fresh. I’m still in a little bit of shock at what happened over the last couple of days. But more than anything else I’m thankful to be here and that I’m healthy for my children and family.
I had an appointment scheduled Wednesday as a postpartum follow-up with my OB. I had already seen her a couple of times after Lincoln was born and this was an 8-week follow-up. I had placed a call to her office a few days before my appointment because I was still bleeding on and off. My bleeding would stop and then the next day I would bleed bright red again. But it wasn’t a lot like last time (read about that here and here) so I wasn’t too worried—I knew what to look for this time around.
My OB booked me for an ultrasound to check my uterus before coming to see her. I had Lincoln with me and I’ll never forget the sinking feeling in my stomach when they turned on the ultrasound machine. It was the same as last time. The techs were silent, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. But their eyes scanned the screen that was turned away from me and they both pointed and nodded at the screen as they took the images.
I knew.
I was one hundred percent certain they saw something inside of me again. “How could this be happening again?” I thought to myself. I had a C-section this time. They could see everything. They must have gotten it all out this time.
The techs aren’t allowed to say anything, but I knew. I went up to my OB’s office after the ultrasound. She walked into the room and her expression said it all.
“It’s not good news,” she said.
“I know,” I told her.
She told me they saw some retained matter from my pregnancy inside of me. About 3 c.m. large, she said. She wanted me to see a specialist on Friday to undergo more scans and possibly an MRI. If it was an accreta, she told me they may have to do a hysterectomy to save me. I knew all of this. I knew too much this time. In fact, I worked on a news story about accreta with the specialist I was scheduled to see Friday just a couple of months before I gave birth to Lincoln. I was praying they could just do a D&C like last time.
My OB did an internal exam before I left her office to check on my bleeding. Everything looked okay. So I was sent home and was to come back Friday for further testing. I also had some blood drawn in the lab to rule out other conditions.
I put Lincoln in the car and drove home (he was napping, thank goodness). I called Kevin on speakerphone on the way home and updated him on what was going on.
I pulled up in front of our house and parked my car. As I stepped out to get Lincoln, I felt it. That unmistakable gush. That feeling that still gives me PTSD just thinking about it. I knew exactly what was happening and for a few seconds I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. It just kept coming out.
I grabbed Lincoln’s car seat and ran into the house. I placed his seat on the floor of my living room and raced to the bathroom. I pulled down my leggings and something the size of a baseball just fell on the floor and blood gushed out of me.
Lincoln started to scream. He was hungry and due for his next feed. I still don’t know how I had the wherewithal to do what I did, but I ran back to him, got him out of his car seat and fed him a bottle of pumped milk as I sat in a small pool of my own blood and started to make emergency calls. They told me to get to the hospital right away.
Kevin raced home from his office. Thank God it was in the middle of the day. Had it been rush hour, I would have had to call an ambulance.
I also knew from last time how my body dealt with this. I would have a severe bleeding episode—but then it would stop for a while until my next one. My nurses told me I was very lucky to have that type of bleeding. Many women after passing a clot continue bleeding and bleeding.
We got to the hospital in record time. I was admitted, they started an IV and ran all kinds of tests. I hadn’t bled again since the major episode at home.
I was terrified. Did I have another accreta? Would I hemorrhage during surgery? They told me that if they did the D&C and couldn’t get it out, they would have to re-open my C-section and perform a hysterectomy so I wouldn’t bleed out.
It was like a nightmare. I looked over at Lincoln and Kevin and just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then, I panicked. Had I hugged and kissed harper that morning before she left for school? Did I tell her I love her? I always tell her I love her, but did I do it that morning? Did I tell her enough times?
I had a lot of very dark thoughts that afternoon. What if I can’t watch my kids grow up like we had always dreamed of? What happens if I leave them and Kevin? How will their world be without me and mine without them? I still cry every time I think about those scenarios playing through my mind.
I didn’t mention this earlier in the post, but right before I went to see my OB, I ran into Dr. Belfort in the elevator. I briefly chatted with him and we talked about how I would be returning to work soon (we work together quite frequently). He’s the chief of our women’s pavilion and also happens to be a world-renowned accreta expert. In fact, I had consulted him before getting pregnant again to make sure it was safe for me. I knew I was in the best place with the best experts. Women from all over the country with accretas come to our hospital.
Looking back, I realized running into him was a sign. I knew he was there (he travels quite a bit) and that was very reassuring. I texted him when I was admitted and he replied he already knew about my case and was ready to be part of the surgery if they needed him. He came to visit my room before I went into surgery and told me everything would be okay.
Even though I knew I was in the best hands, I was a wreck. I told Kevin to take Lincoln to get Harper at daycare (my car has both car seats so he had to pick her up). My in-laws and sister-in-law were on their way to our house as well to help Kevin care for the kids and for support.
The main OR nurse came into my room and she told me they were almost ready. I began to cry and I’ll never forget the way she hugged me. She kissed me on the head and told me not to worry, they would take care of me. I’ll never forget the compassion she showed me. I was also reading all of the incredible messages of support and prayer on my IG account before I went into surgery and it helped me immensely. I debated sharing that I was going into surgery, but I believe in the power of prayer. It made my heart feel at peace to know that all of these amazing women were taking even a second out of their day to whisper a prayer for my health and safety.
I don’t remember anything after my first minute in the OR. I remember looking up and seeing lights and my OB and that’s it.
When I woke up from surgery, my OB and Dr. Belfort told me they were able to get everything out of me with the D&C. Thank God. I didn’t have to have a hysterectomy and another 8-week recovery. I was so thankful.
I was still very fuzzy but I began to have a strange and painful sensation. I felt intense burning and cramping and I told my nurse that I had to pee. The pain became worse and worse. Because I had a catheter during surgery, the nurse went and got a scanner to scan my bladder to make sure there was urine in there. Oddly, I had over 1000 cc’s of urine which is probably why I was in so much discomfort. I felt well enough to get up and use the restroom and the moment I did, all of my pain was completely gone. I felt totally normal, just like last time. If there’s one silver lining from both D&C’s I had, it’s that I was not in pain from the surgery at all.
Eventually I was taken to recovery and able to talk to my family. I FaceTime’d with Harper too. My sweet, precious girl who I hadn’t been able to see before going into surgery.
Candice came and stayed with me at the hospital for a few hours before I started to rest for the night. God bless her, it was so wonderful to have someone there that’s like a sister to me after going through such a frightening experience.
The next day, I had so many friends come and visit me at the hospital. I also got so many texts and messages wishing me well and sending good thoughts and prayers. It was truly humbling to know that so many people had me in their thoughts. I can’t thank everyone enough.
I was discharged the afternoon after my surgery. I have some throat pain from being intubated, but that’s normal and should go away soon. I was just so eager to go home to my family.
We are still waiting on the pathology results to understand what happened. My OB told me they removed several small pieces of placenta from me.
I feel so fortunate to have my beautiful, healthy children. This was a tremendous shock to me and I’m still having a lot of anxiety over what happened, but I’m trying to focus on the positive. Our family is complete and I’m healthy and get to watch my children grow up. There is nothing more important or special than that.
Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot to me and to our family.
What a completely terrifying experience to go through, not once but twice. So glad you’re ok and all is well — I too, believe in the power of prayer above anything else. I do the same thing when it comes to envisioning all the “what-ifs,” which must be a mom thing. Cherish those babies, though it’s clear you do.
Wishing you healing and strength!
I had tears in my eyes reading this. Motherhood really does give you a different perspective on life. Glad to hear all went well and you’re back snuggling your babies!
Couldn’t even imagine your situation. So unexpected! I am going to be holding my little guy slot tighter today with lots of cuddles and kisses. So glad you are back home. Safe with your kitties ones. Take care and feel better.
Safe with your little ones I mean 🙂
Wow, what a scary experience. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I hope your recovery goes smoothly and you are able to take it easy for awhile! Xoxo
Continued prayers for you and your family. So glad you at home and on the mend.
Continued prayers for you and your family. So glad you are at home and on the mend.
Oh Wow! What a scary experience this has been for you. I totally cried while reading your recounting of the past few days… trying to remember if you’d told Harper you loved her that morning before you headed off to surgery. I have a daughter Harper’s age and am having a baby boy in the Spring so you situation hit super close to home. You’re one tough cookie and your kids are lucky to have such a strong mama. Praying for an easy recovery and that you can heal both physically and emotionally from this quickly. Take care!!
My goodness I have tears streaming down my face reading this. I’m so glad that you are on the mend. Many many prayers and hugs to you!
Wow, I have never heard of this. Thankful that you are home and doing well!
Oh my gosh Veronika! I had no idea how serious all this was! I am so happy to hear that everything went smoothly and you are recovering well. Continuing to say prayers for you for positive rusults from the doctors. Hugs Darcy
Praying for you and your family. Crying as I read this. This was incredibly traumatic and I pray for you to heal in mind, body, and spirit. Sending loving and healing thoughts your way. Thank you for being so brave and sharing this experience with your community of readers. Your strength and grace shine so brightly. You are so precious and cared about deeply by so many people. Please lean on your loved ones and let their strength be your own.
Hi Veronika! I’ve read your blog for years but have never commented. I have a daughter slightly younger than Harper and can only imagine how scary this time has been for you. I hope that you have a quick and easy recovery, and get lots of cuddles and love from your little ones. You’ve been such an inspiration to me, I’ve loved reading your posts and can’t wait to read more! Take Care, Jennifer
Oh my gosh! Tears were streaming down my face as I read this! I am so sorry you had to go through this, I can’t imagine how that must have felt. I’m so glad you are doing better now and are home with your family and love ones! Prayers for a quick recovery and that the doctors are able to find some answers. Hugs, Cassidi
Veronika,
Wow, that was a powerful post. I am so sorry for all you went through and so happy that in the end things were successful for you. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!
Erin
I rarely comment (if ever), but I have to say – I was praying for you after I saw your IG post….. and as I read through this, I was sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes. I have a son who is about a month younger than Harper, and recently found out I was pregnant with our second child, and the thoughts that were racing through your head are the things that would be running through my head (and any mother’s head I would imagine). I can’t even imagine how helpless you must have felt during that time. I’m so glad you had a successful procedure and that you’re well. Enjoy snuggling those precious babies and happy holidays to you and your family!
I had anxiety that they sent you home and told you to go see someone friday. I feel like that was irresponsible but I’m no expert. I am so glad you are ok. I hope you can get past your anxiety over this and it will all be a distant memory
So glad your doing well. My situation was almost identical to what you went through. It was crazy ready the emotions and remembering thinking the same thing with my daughter. It’s a big part of why I’m not sure she will get a sibling 🙂 now you can be home and enjoy those babies!
Reading this in my office with tears in my eyes–how scary!! Thinking of you lots and sending lots of love your way. So glad the surgery went well!
How awful! I was in tears reading this. So glad to hear you are ok.
Thanks for sharing… I’m so glad you are ok. Praying for your continued healing, physical and emotional
Oh my goodness, even though I know you are home safe I was filled with anxiety with just reading this! Thank God for the power of prayer and the amazing team who worked on you. We are incredibly blessed to live in a city that has the best medical care. Nurses are also unbelievably amazing and need to know that we appreciate their physical and emotional support.
I’m so relieved that you are ok!!!!
Oh my gosh Veronika I had no idea that you were going through this. I am so glad that your surgery went well and hoping that you get good results.
I am so so sorry you had to go through this. Rejoicing that you are home, safe and healthy and hoping that you find peace and restoration in the days and weeks ahead.
Hi Veronika,
I never comment but have been a long time follower of yours. Reading this story left a pit in my stomach. So glad to hear that you are on the road to recovery. Sending continued thoughts and prayers your way.
That is truly terrifying. It is good you did not have to have a hysterectomy, but I wanted to tell you the recovery is not that bad. I had one 4 weeks ago and actually begged to go back to my desk job after 3 weeks. I couldn’t stand to be home alone (kids at daycare and school) for another 3 weeks. All in all my Laprascopic one was amazing and I felt great that same day begging to go home in the hospital. I hope everything comes back clear.
Veronika,
So glad you are home and recovering. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Goodness, I’m in tears reading this. I’m so sorry you went through something so awful. I’m so glad it had the best outcome though. Even though I haven’t been through anything like this, I can totally identify with those anxious and fearful thoughts. I wanted to share a Bible verse with you that has helped me so much when I have fearful thoughts. “Who then are those who fear the Lord? The Lord will instruct them in the ways they should choose. They will spend their days in prosperity and their descendants will inherit the land.” Psalm 25:12-13. I will continue to pray for your healing – physically and emotionally! XO
OMG V! I am so sorry you had to go through this. Glad everything went well! I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight.
Halfway through this I began to cry, as I could feel your fear and worry in your words. I am so sorry this happened and I am glad they were able to get everything with a D&C. You are in my prayers and I hope things are clear from here on out. **hugs**
When I first read your post I thought you were upset about the mass murder spree that happened in San Bernadino. As I read it I realized you were very over dramatically recounting having a D&C.
Geez. Maybe I’m jaded since I survived having cancer at age 37. I’m glad you are well and good but my dear, there are so many much worse medical drama’s you could have had to go through. I guess it’s all one’s perspective.
Hi Stephanie. Women die from placenta accreta all the time as well as postpartum hemmorage. I had no way of knowing how severe my issue was and whether or not I would hemmorage during surgery if they were unable to remove what was inside of me. Of course I was upset and scared, especially since this was the second time it happened to me and I knew much more about it this time around (including how serious the condition can be). I’m glad you survived cancer. Best wishes.
I’ve read your blog for a while, but have never commented. I read your blog when you had Harper and the complications the first time. I cried for you then. I continued reading and was so excited that things seemed to go better this time. I was so thrilled, I even told my husband (Who thinks I’m nuts for reading blogs, but that’s another topic.). And then I read Friday’s post. I cried for you again. I hope that you’ll recover quickly. You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Veronika, I’m a reader who checks your blog at least once a week and have benefited from lots of the information, experiences, and suggestions you make as a mom. I’ve been wanting to write you to thank you more specifically, and will at some point, but for now, after reading about your threatening and intense medical situation, please know I’ll be one more person praying for you and keeping your sweet family in my thoughts as you recover and ease back into normalcy. Hug and hold your little ones extra close this week!! Take care, and may your holidays be bright!
Hi Veronika,
Thank you for sharing your story to your readers. I am so happy you are doing better. I hope for a speedy recovery. You have a beautiful family. Take Care.
Veronika- I pray that you have a speedy recovery and know that my thoughts were and are with you! I could never imagine having to go through something like this even one time, and you had to do it TWICE! You are an amazing woman and mommy. Thinking of you!
Praying for a speedy recovery for you and your family! So scary and thank you for sharing.
Just catching up on posts, and read your story. Gosh, what a frightening experience for you! I am so happy to read that you are safe and well, thank goodness for your amazing medical team!
Wow, how scary! Glad that you are okay and that everything turned out fine.
I’m so glad you’re okay! That is so scary, and having kids myself, I can’t IMAGINE the anxiety that you must have felt thinking about all the sad possibilities. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I’m so happy to hear that your are doing better Veronika, what an incredibly scary experience to go through, and for a second time! I hope everything with your PP recovery is smooth and easy from here on out!
xoxo http://www.touchofcurl.com
Hi Veronika,
I’m glad you’re okay and thank you for sharing your experience with Accreta. I also had Accreta with my son and hemorrhaged in the OR. I had a massive blood transfusion and hysterectomy. It was the scariest experience of my life. I can’t imagine how scared you must’ve been to start bleeding at home with your son. You are very strong!
Best wishes,
Katie
So glad you’re ok! What a blessing they were able to get everything out! I definitely believe in the power of prayer, too. God bless you and your sweet family.
You are so right: Prayer is powerful! I’m so glad to hear you are back at home with your family and doing well. I will keep your family in prayer for sure. Take care,
Deidra
Glad you’re feeling better, mamas sure are some kind of strong!!!
Hey I’m sure this post is not gonna get responded too because this was so many years ago, BUT I’m going through the same thing. I had ultra sound Monday (10 days postpartum) & saw retained products (not sure if placenta or blood clot) in uterus and I’m taking meds to try and contract it now but have had no luck. So I go back tomorrow to re-ultra sound & unless by some miracle I passed them while going potty and didn’t see it then I will be scheduled for a D&C. I’m scared. I’m scared they will preform procedure and it won’t heal me. How were you after D&C?
Kayla I’m sorry you are going through this. I was totally fine after the D&C – no pain and no more bleeding! It solved the issue completely. Wishing you the best.