This poster hangs in the personal training gym where I work out and the moment I saw it, I knew I was in the right place.
Before we had kids, Kevin and I would often do boot camp classes five days a week— we were in the best shape of our lives! I was also working out with a personal trainer before becoming pregnant with Harper.
The moment I saw a positive pregnancy test, my anxiety got the best of me and I was too scared to work out in my first trimester. On top of that, I ended up being extremely nauseous for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy so the thought of doing any physical activity was, at the time, unimaginable (kudos to you pregnant mamas who continue to workout during pregnancy— y’all are rock stars!)
Other than a brief few weeks of boot camp prior to our trip to the Bahamas when Harper was 18 months old, I had not worked out in four years. I was even sicker when I was pregnant with Lincoln and I never had the desire to work out when I was postpartum/nursing/pumping. The thought of adding that to my already crazy schedule of exclusively pumping five times a day, working full-time, spending time with my family and running my blog felt completely overwhelming. I’ve also mentioned before that I lose a ton of weight when I pump — that’s just how my body works, even when I’m eating constantly — and I didn’t want to demand more of my body/risk my milk supply by throwing in workouts (and to be honest, I did not have the hours in my day to workout anyway). I don’t want to make excuses, but I truly believe in listening to your body and doing what feels right — and for me, exercising never felt right when I already had so much on my plate during each baby’s first year of life.
So, what motivated me to want to start exercising again? My desire to be strong, toned and healthy was of course a great motivating factor. But even more so was my mental health. This is a separate post for another day and I have not shared this on my blog yet because I didn’t feel ready, but I have been in therapy for a few months now for PPA (postpartum anxiety) and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). I will share more details at some point, but I’m doing a type of therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and I’m confident that it will help me resolve an issue I have been struggling with to varying degrees since I was a child — and that became much worse after Lincoln was born. It’s still hard for me to talk about all of my feelings on this topic because the online world isn’t always a compassionate place, but I know that many of my readers will relate to my story when I’m ready to open up. I’m proud to have taken the step towards a more effective solution for dealing with chronic anxiety. As difficult as it was to admit that I needed help and wasn’t myself, it was also the most liberating feeling to have access to the help I needed and I’m so thankful for that.
When I was in a really stressful job over five years ago, the ONLY thing that saved me during that time was exercise. During one of my first sessions, my therapist told me that 30 minutes of daily vigorous exercise can have the same effect as taking an anti-anxiety drug. When she said this, it resonated with me because at a time in my life when I most needed the release and endorphins that exercise provides, I had the time and energy to do it — and it helped me tremendously.
For weeks I told my therapist I was going to start exercising again because I didn’t want to take medication (this is a personal decision — I support all women in their choices — medication saves lives and helps people live better lives!)
It took me some time to finally get started and with the help of a supportive and encouraging group of ladies (y’all know who you are) and some incredibly motivating friends, I decided to start seeing my trainer again. I realized that investing in myself would make me a better mother, wife and friend. I knew that regular exercise would naturally lower my anxiety (and it has!), help me sleep better, feel more energized, and much more.
It’s only been a few weeks but even in this short amount of time, I can already feel differences. Of course my muscles are sore — that’s a given. But I feel renewed, refreshed and proud. Starting my mornings with a workout makes me feel prepared to start the day and like I’m doing something great for myself that will trickle down into every aspect of my life. Sounds dramatic, right? Exercise is now very much a part of my therapy.
What was holding me back for a long time with starting to work out again was time — I knew my only option was to work out in the morning, before the kids were awake. I already miss time with them when I’m at work, so I was not willing to miss time with them before and after work in order to exercise.
That meant working on changing my poor sleep habits (something I continue to work on). When I was pumping, I was waking up at 5:30 in the morning to pump for half an hour and I did the same from 10:30-11 p.m. each night. As you might imagine, after a YEAR of doing this, my body and mind got into this routine and when I stopped pumping, it felt nearly impossible to get out of it…it still does some days. It’s difficult for me to fall asleep before 11 p.m. but I’ve had to force myself to start my bedtime routine earlier since I’m now waking up at 5 a.m. for my 5:30 workout.
Every 5 a.m. wake-up gets easier as I get into this new routine. What helps is that I’ll usually sleep in a clean sports bra and socks and that way I just have to throw my leggings, tank and shoes on and I’m ready to go. Right now I see my trainer 3-4 days a week and supplement with classes at a local gym and/or different classes I want to try in my area. Working out four days a week is my goal and so far I’ve met that. I would be thrilled to do five— but we will see!
I don’t know how to end this post other than to try to be encouraging. I hate that women and mothers are so hard on themselves to do everything and be everything to everyone. Sometimes, you have to prioritize what you can and can’t commit to and that’s OK. I was not able to workout during my pregnancies and when my babies were young for a plethora of reasons and it’s not an excuse — it was my reality. In that season of life, it wasn’t in the cards for me, but it is now. I recognized where I needed to be and what I needed to spend my time on when my babies were young and now I’m able to invest a little bit in myself and my physical and mental health as a new season has come.
I don’t say this to justify anything — I don’t need to justify it to myself because I know, unequivocally, that I made the best choice at the time. I say this so that if you’re reading this and struggling to find the time, energy or motivation, you know that it’s OK to press pause. It’s something you can come back to when the time is right.
Finally, if you’re struggling with anxiety or think you may have PPA, go here to learn more about the signs and symptoms (there is a difference between postpartum depression and PPA— though some symptoms do overlap). If you need encouragement or support, feel free to contact me. I can’t tell you how many people helped me along in my journey through this and I know how validating it is to talk to someone who knows how you feel.
I will continue to update y’all on my fitness journey as time goes on. Thanks for reading and if there’s a specific type of post you’d like to see related to fitness, please let me know in the comments.
Thanks for sharing your struggles and bringing light to PPA. I suffered for a long time with it after I stopped breastfeeding my oldest son and didn’t even know it was a thing. I recently stopped breastfeeding my youngest and have started therapy for PPA and PPOCD. I think I am going to try to fit exercise into my routine to see if it will help me too. Can’t wait to hear your story when you are ready!
Becky- I experienced the same thing— when I weaned from pumping is when it was at its worst and I realized I needed help. Of course I had been struggling long before that, but that was “the straw that broke the camel’s back,” so to say.
The exercise has helped me tremendously. I hate to call it a “cure” but it sure does feel like it many days. It is SO hard to get into a routine, but once I start, I find it easier and easier to continue. Maybe look into hiring a trainer or taking classes as a barre studio or something like that to keep you on track and motivated for the first couple of months? Hugs to you!
Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing. I have struggled with similar issues exacerbated by pregnancy and nursing. Agree that it’s a personal choice, but medication has never been an option for me. Exercise has always been my best therapist. I’m sure many others can relate. Thank you!
Christina,
It was the same for me— I have always had anxiety and been a worrier, but it used to be more manageable. Then pregnancy and nursing made my hormones go crazy and it was hard to come out of that. I agree, truly, that exercise is a critical component of my therapy. It’s truly incredible that it works like a drug.
As someone who has struggled with anxiety for most of my life, I appreciate you opening up in the online community! Sadly, there is such a stigma surrounding mental health, but being self-aware and identifying how you can make changes to better every aspect of your life is nothing but STRONG! Similar to you, I was in a really stressful job for about 7 years that caused my self worth to plummet. It’s amazing what a new job and adding some healthier habits to your routine will do! Thanks for sharing your experience — there is no doubt in my mind it will help and inspire many — and more people than you expect will completely relate!
Thank you for sharing. I also struggled with anxiety and PPD and anxiety. It’s encouraging to hear other women speak out. Its awesome you are taking steps to take care of yourself! My pediatrician told me that my child can only be as healthy as I am, which really helps me work through some of the the guilt that creeps in when I care for myself. Prayers to you as you continue to pursue health! You will feel like yourself again/ better version of yourself. You are not alone in this.
Thank you for opening up. I’ve struggled with general anxiety my entire life and now it’s turned into more social anxiety and depression. I manage this with therapy and meds but it’s always a daily struggle. Working out, although I don’t do it as often as I should, is a great way to cope and release endorphins. I hope you continue to share your journey!
Wonderfully inspiring post Veronika. I am currently pursing my master in Professional Counseling and am encouraged to hear people open up about their own struggles. Mental health is such a taboo topic and to see you open up and acknowledge your own struggles and that you are seeking help is wonderful and hopefully will encourage others, as I’m sure that is the purpose of your post.
I enjoy reading your updates and look forward to more. Best wishes!
Thanks for your comment! It’s hard to open up, but I was helped so much by other women who went through this so I felt led to share my experience when I was ready to in hopes that there is someone else out there who might be helped by this post (perhaps by having the courage to seek help).
I cried a little reading this, and you haven’t even started sharing the real story yet. I have two children slightly younger than yours. I actually started reading your blog when you were pregnant with Harper and I found out i was pregnant with my oldest. I’ve been struggling hard these past few days. I hate that we have this in common, but seeing a social media influencer speak about something real makes me feel like less of a failure. So thank you. Particularly today. Thank you.
I’m sorry to make you cry 🙁 I think PPA is a lot more common than most people think and it sneaks up on you if you already have an anxious/worrier personality. I think the media focuses so much on postpartum depression (which is of course another grave issue facing new mothers) but since PPA isn’t as widely discussed, oftentimes I think moms can dismiss their feelings because they’re “not depressed” so they’re probably fine, when the truth is that they really do have anxiety symptoms that need to be addressed. Sending you love and support!
<3
thank you <3
Thank you for being so honest, Veronika! I love reading your blog, whatever the topic may be. I think one of the best ways to fight the stigma of anxiety and depression is when people speak up about it. We all have struggles and issues to overcome which is not usually shown in this day and age when we can gloss over the difficult parts on social media.
Shauna,
Thanks for your support! It took me awhile to share on my blog since I wanted to wait until I was well into my therapy and in a better place. If my post can help even one person seek help or feel supported, it was worth it to share my struggles. Thanks for reading!
Thank you for sharing that you suffered from PPA. After the birth of my son I had severe PPD despite never having any depression or anxiety prior. I also run a lot to get out my anxieties and can tell that it makes such a big difference. Its such a struggle to leave the kids (as a working mom) to exercise as it only adds to my guilt. Can we just say that motherhood is such a mindfxck! LOL. Continue to share your story and trust in your readers! xoxo
Amy – I’m sorry that you too have felt the pain of PPA. Do not feel guilty for doing something that makes you a better mom!
me too! we have kids the same age and I am also struggling with ppa and I’ve decided not to treat it with medication, but with working out instead! so far it has really helped and I feel so much better than before. My mind is more focused and the dreary thoughts have all but gone! good luck
Mary— I empatahize with your struggle. Isn’t it amazing how exercise offers so many psychological benefits. I was a bit skeptical it would work, but I honestly feel more focused, I worry less and have more energy. It’s truly incredible what can happen with our minds when we work on our bodies.
Thanks for sharing with us. I have recently struggled with anxiety and depression, and sometimes when you are in the moment you feel like you are the only one in the world with it. It’s always refreshing to hear about other people’s struggles with it too. We put so much pressure on oursleves as women, but together we can all get through it xoxo.
Alexa– I’m sorry you’ve been struggling! I hope you can find the help you need. Admitting you need it is a great first step. Oftentimes realizing how bad things have gotten is harder than actually taking action. All my best to you.
Veronika,
Thank you for this beautiful post. I have been reading your blog for many years (before Harper!), and I love the evolution you have made with your content. The one thing that has not changed over the years is your ability to make others feel good about themselves, and by preaching acceptance to all women and mommas. I wish you the best with your therapy! Two years ago, I battled awful depression and anxiety due to my VERY stressful job. I am so much better now; but there are definitely times when I see myself on the edge of that black hole, which scares me to death.
SO proud of you for sharing your story and for putting in the work to FIGHT! You’re amazing!!
Love you friend! I know we have helped eachother through this. Proud to see how amazing you are doing— mind and body!
Thank you sharing. What an awesome woman and mother you are. You will get through this and come out better than ever. Wishing you the best on this journey.
Thank you so much Tiffanie 🙂 I appreciate your support!
Very brave post. Thank you for sharing! I had PPA after both my kids and it’s no joke. Good for you for figuring out what works for you!
Hi Erin! I’m truly seeing how common it really is, which is comforting because it can feel like you are in such a dark/scary place when you think you’re the only one feeling this way. Glad you’re doing well now.
I’m so glad exercise is helping! Although I haven’t personally struggled with anxiety, I have had numerous hormonal issues due to my PCOS. I exercise 4-5 times a week, rain or shine to manage my symptoms in a more “natural” way. I could take a myriad of medicine to help, but I’d rather avoid drugs. I know it’s not possible for everyone to avoid medication, but, thankfully, I’ve found that regular exercise, a change in my diet and acupuncture help manage most of my symptoms. It’s one of those things that truly has endless positive side effects for your physical and mental health so I’ve completely changed my mindset about it. I think your post will definitely encourage people to give it a try 🙂
– Claudia
https://justalittleblush.com
Claudia— I am glad that you too have found exercise to be a good way to manage your PCOS. It’s inceredible that so many issues can be ameliorated simply by moving our bodies. I’m glad you shared your story!
I do hope you post about cognitive behavior therapy. I did it but did not push through on my issue. I would love to hear how it went for you.
I definitely plan to share my experience. I would love to hear more about your experience with this type of therapy.
Mine was to deal with a phobia. As silly as this sounds, I have a phobia of needles. I am a Type I diabetic and I think my phobia developed from rough childhood doctor experiences. I can do my finger sticks and I can get my insulin pump in my body but anything else and I pass out cold. I did CBT to try to get over it but it was just too hard and I quit.
I am so happy for you! I am not yet a mother, but it is so true that until we find time for exercise, we tend to forget the beautiful trickle-down effect physical activity can have on every aspect of life. Somehow, sleep and good moods show up more easily and all seems to fall in to place. I’m so glad you encourage your readers to assess and seek resources for both physical and emotional health. Anxiety is often misunderstood, but it is real (and thankfully, often treatable). I’m so glad you are finding what you need. Therapy is an amazing and necessary tool. Thanks for this post! And many congrats! Here’s to feeling better and better.
Thank you so much Lauren 🙂 I do feel anxiety is misunderstood and so many people have it but it can menifest in different ways. I hope everyone who needs help overcoming it seeks out the help they need.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m also someone who has struggled with anxiety my whole life and now that I’m pregnant, I have been even more of a worrier. I’d love to hear more about your journey when you’re ready to share; I’ll be here as part of a community of support! Keep up the good work with your fitness routine…you got this!
Thank you Natalie! Congratulations on your pregnancy. I understand the worry that can consume you during pregnancy, I definitely felt it, especially because of my job and seeing all of the rare things that we do here.
I will definitely share more about my experience soon. I think it’s good that you are acknowledging that you do struggle with anxiety— now your OB can better monitor you after pregnancy if any concerning signs develop.
What an inspirational story, Veronika…I too have gone through phases of working out and not. I think the mental benefits of exercise totally outweigh the physical. It’s time for YOU and it’s so important to clear your mind of everything in your day, particularly when you’re a busy working mom. I have always been so much happier when working out and have joined Orange Theory Fitness, where I go twice a week (if you like HIIT workouts, I highly recommend!). I also walk my dog and bike ride a couple miles a week. I look forward to hearing more about your story when you’re ready to share! Thanks for sharing this personal story with your readers.
Mimi- I have heard of Orange Theory! It sounds like a great workout that really makes you push yourself. That’s what I love so much about having a trainer— it’s someoen keeping you accountable and making you push yourseld when you don’t think you can do another rep!
I am working on a post sharing more of my PPA experience and will publish it soon. Thank you for your support <3
This is a great post. Thank you for opening up. I have experienced GAD most of my life but my anxiety came back with a vengeance after the birth of my first son, 15 years ago. I have three boys and each time it got a little easier. Looking back now, I know that hormones and genetic predisposition have a lot to do with it. It takes a while for hormones to come back to normal. I feel so much better now after therapy, meds and learning not to be too hard on myself. My youngest is 10 and those years when they were all so little were hard! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and even a daily walk helps.
Thank you for your comment- sorry that you too have struggled with this! Hormones are crazy and it’s amazing what they can do to you mentally. I’m glad you’ve found healing through exercise, therapy and medication. I agree that giving oneself grace is crucial.
Hello – I’ve been following your blog since The Knot days (we both got married the same year) and wanted to chime in about CBT. It works. It is tough but truly life changing. I did it for needle phobia and general white coat syndrome before I had my daughter. I would avoid going to the doctor/having blood drawn for years and now it is now big deal. It is one of the best things I ever did for myself and I hope you have a similar experience.
I am thrilled to hear this! How many months was your CBT therapy? I am so glad to hear you were able to overcome your phobia. I pray it will work for me too! It has already started working but I mean in the longterm.
The therapy itself was about 3-4 months and I was going at least once a week. One week, they had me go in every morning and sometimes they would do a blood draw and sometimes not so I could learn to deal with the unknown. The hardest thing is maintenance! I wish you the best!
That’s great! Right now the book we are using have 12-14 chapters and we do one every two weeks. I actually like that it’s a little slower paced because I have so much going on in day to day life that it’s easier for me to focus when I have the appointments a couple of weeks apart!
Great post!!! Sorry to hear about your struggles, being a mom is HARD isn’t it?! I actually found SO much motivation in this post. I saw your alarm set for 5 a.m. on Insta-stories and I thought “If she can do it, so can I!” and the next morning go up at 5 a.m. and worked out, so THANK YOU! 🙂
It’s amazing how great you feel when you are working — mentally and physically.
Hi Erica! It is SO hard—- but being a mom is the most amazing thing ever! I’m so thrilled to hear that this post motivated you. I have worked out 4 days this week and have been really proud of that— I may work out one day this weekend as well. It’s been incredible to see the difference it has made! I hope you stick with it. Once you do a few 5 a.m. wakeups, they actually start to get easier.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I feel like PPA is often overshadowed by PPD, and there’s not really a lot of information about it readily available. I too am in CBT counseling for my PPA/PTSD from a very, very traumatic birth (I nearly died and spent 3 days in the ICU). I’ve been exercising in hopes to get OFF the anxiety medicine. I’m really hoping it works.
I suffer from anxiety as well and also did not want to take any meds. One thing that helped me immensely was cutting out coffee/caffeine from my diet. I know it’s really hard with two little ones (I have an almost 2 year old and a 3 year old) but it made a huge difference for me.
My therapist was just mentioning this to me! It’s the one thing I just can’t do right now. I am seeing so much improvement with exercise that I am optimistic it will be a very large part of what makes me feel better long term. Thank you for the info— I WISH I could not drink it but I just enjoy it too much 🙁
I’m very late in finding this post but am glad I did. I have always had anxiety but after my son was born I was having terrible worry and was obsessed with the thought of something happening to me. It was crippling. Therapy helped so much! Despite having anxiety that I’ve treated for the past eight years, I didn’t know PPA was even a thing. It needs more publicity! Thanks for your post!